Tired of updates!

So it seems like all my blog posts lately are updates because I get lazy and never blog. Oh how my readers must miss my random musings and super witty posts. Sorry to neglect you so long. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything funny to say, so I'll steal some thoughts about a conversation I had with friends at the park on Friday. We were talking about shopping with kids... which is a nightmare to anyone who actually has kids and doesn't drug them before taking them shopping. Let me explain to you a typical shopping adventure with my two girls. And I have to preface by saying that this only happens when both girls are shopping with me. Separately, they are gems (okay I won't go that far... they are controllable) but together they become psychotic.

When I must take both girls to the store, we start with a long lecture on the way. I say things that really shouldn't have to be said, but I've learned they must be said. Things like, "Remember, we are NOT going to race the little shopping carts around the store" and "I have a list and will be getting the things on the list" and "Abby, please control yourself, no running, flying, or dancing in the aisles and remember your inside voice" and my favorite, "Don't lick anything or put anything in your mouth."

We pull into the parking lot and both girls are whining about which carts we are going to use. If it is the store I like, the only option is regular carts (I have long since given up on using the big, obnoxious car carts or other multi-children contraptions that they call carts which have absolutely NO steering ability and barely fit down the aisles). Sometimes, we go to stores with little carts and sometimes I let them push those... but only when I'm feeling happy (which is almost never if I have to take both girls to the store).

So we have our carts and Abby and Iris start fighting over who is going to push it. Mommy pushes! So now Abby begins her "Now I'm going to chase Iris through the produce section while mom is distracted calculating the price of that bag of grapes" game. Abby likes this game and Iris likes this game which is a dead giveaway to the fact that Mommy doesn't like this game. Mommy yells (but in her "other people are watching so we have to be careful" yell), threatens (or what I like to call "negotiates") and then starts after the girls. When I catch them, they give me their humble smiles with promises to be good which I know will last until the next department. Mommy takes a deep breath and begins to assign jobs to the girls. Iris gets the plastic bags, Abby picks the fruit... all is well for the next 5 minutes. Now it's time for cereal (or whatever the contentious item of the day is) and Abby wants some ludicrous cereal that is basically sugar and costs 3 times as much as the Cheerios I'm going to put in the basket. Fit ensues...not a gentle whine or obstinate food stomp, but a full blown crocodile tears, laying on the floor (I'm NOT kidding) fit. It does cross my mind that Abby doesn't even EAT cereal. Surprisingly, Iris sits there blank faced as if making mental notes on behavior she can use against me later.

After more... ahem... negotiations, Abby is over her fit and we continue. Repeat these steps for the next 30 minutes (and might I note that if I were by myself or with one I would be done in 15 minutes). We pay for the groceries and the cashier is all smiles and compliments to the hell-raisers that just cost me 10 more gray hairs and sometimes offer them free stickers or balloons! UGH!!! Then it is a big long lecture all the way home about how we behave at the store.

So grocery shopping with two kids can be a nightmare for me, but I can look on the bright side... I only have two!!!

So I edited the end of this post because I realized that it might be offensive. And although I normally don't care about those things, it was bugging me to have it on here.