ADHD

I have been wanting to write down our experiences lately with Abby since her diagnosis of ADHD.  I guess now is as good a time as any...
The problem is knowing where to start.  I guess I'll start here:

ADHD stand for Attention Deficit Hyper-Activity Disorder.  You can read more about it here.

So Abby has always been a ball of fire.  In fact, after re-reading some early letters we sent to her birth family, I often described her as this.  She has always been energetic, attention-seeking, verbal, engaging and loud.  All of these attributes have enabled her to make friends easily, show loving kindness towards everyone, rally kids to play games, and make one feel like they are the most important person to her in that moment.  They have also restricted her ability to calmly follow directions, take criticism, have a normal size/length tantrum, learn new structural concepts quickly, organize her thoughts and things, and focus on more than one thing at a time.  A lot of times, at the end of the day, I have been physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally exhausted just following her around trying to pick up the pieces.  It is little wonder why the two of us could barely be in the same room together without fighting!  Trust me, this is not something I'm proud of recalling.  I mean, how does it look to be a 30 something woman arguing, what seems like, day and night with a child? Can we say CONTROL ISSUES?  Of course, at the very end of the day as I tucked her in, we looked in each other's eyes and shared our "I love you" with each other and we both knew it was true.  Then after another night's rest, we started the whole thing over again.

So how does one feel when they get to this point?

I felt like any interaction would lead to this:

I was walking on these:

I was questioning my abilities as a mother.  I often sat a lone and cried.  I felt hopelessness and way out of my league.  But the hardest part was realizing that my heart was so full of love for this child and I could see her great potential and I felt that I was ruining her.  Sometimes I would pray for guidance.  Every time I did that, I felt peace and would try a little harder.  Sometimes the Spirit would whisper to me "Teach her about gratitude."  That was when we started asking the girls to repeat "I don't always get what I want, but I always have what I need."  Sometimes the Spirit would whisper "Just hug her."  So, when we were at the climax of a bad interaction, I would put my arms around her and hug her.  Sometimes the Spirit whispered to me, "Let her see you cry."  And I would share my feelings with her and touch her spirit (Abby has an amazing emotional maturity for her age).  In those moments, when I'd let the Spirit in, we found some peace.

At the beginning of this year, Abby once again started at a new school.  This time she would be in 4th grade and have 3 teachers which she would rotate with throughout the day.  One teacher for Reading & Science, one teacher for Math & Social Studies and one teacher for Spelling & whatever else 4th graders learn.  This year, it would seem, would push us in a whole new direction.  Last year, in 3rd grade, Abby fought homework a bit.  She struggled a bit.  I chalked it up to a new school, disorganized teacher and other extenuating circumstances (do we remember a broken jaw in there somewhere?).  But if I'm being honest, we began noticing things that concerned us the previous year too.  Things like anxiety over throwing anything away, hoarding, outbursts and anger.  Again, we really thought it was her way of adjusting to so many changes in her life.  These changes brought on by our ambition but ambition for a better life for these girls.  Looking back, we made excuses for it.

Now we have homework going missing, failing test scores, homework taking 2-3 hours after school, emotional breakdowns, lying, stealing, hoarding, and bizarre food handling behaviors.

It all culminated in this one moment in October.  I had noticed a few days before that Abby had placed this new, rather expensive dress my mom bought her in her Halloween bucket, covered it with a handkerchief and shoved it in the corner of her room.  I mentioned to her that she shouldn't treat her things that way and to take care of it.  "I will, Mom." Then a few days later I see it in the same place and in the same condition.  Her entire room was a disaster (not unusual) and she was sitting among the chaos.  I looked at her and said, "Abby, I just don't understand!  Why do you do this?"  And if I could have taken a picture of her face, it would have looked like the exact same expression she had on her face at 5 years old when she had all but lost her hearing and looked at me lost and scared because she just was so unsure about things.  She looked at me and said, "I don't know."  My whole soul ached in that moment.  And then came one of the most important whisperings of the Spirit in my life.  It said, "She really doesn't know.  These things are a compulsion for her.  Quit punishing her and GET HER SOME HELP NOW!!!"

So we did.  We found a therapist who has a PhD in child psychology and also a PA certification.  We made an appointment and met him.  He gave us a lot of papers and questionnaires to fill out.  We sat down and all met together.  We did introductions, talked a little about why we were there.  He sent Abby out so he could talk to just us.  As we were talking, you could hear Abby drumming on the wall, stomping her feet and being otherwise distracting but obviously anxious.  Then he met with Abby alone.  He asked her of all the things she wanted in life what would would it be the ultimate.  She said she wanted to have a good relationship with us.  WOW!  He noticed that she had trouble sitting still, she fidgeted, jumped her legs up and down, tapped the chair, the wall and even turned upside down in her seat.  We told him about homework, outbursts, lying, impulsive behavior that she couldn't explain.  We told him of the genetic family history from her birth family of ADD, learning disabilities and similar compulsive behavior.

After that visit, a followup and some returned questionnaires from her teachers, Abby was diagnosed with ADHD.  It was not a surprise but hard just the same.  Of course I was glad to have some answers.  I was glad to know that it wasn't all my fault.  But I also was sad to know that we had let it go so long and that she was suffering.  Obviously you can file this away along with her going deaf in Kindergarten and not knowing it and her having a broken jaw for a week and not knowing it under the heading "Reasons I won't be getting Mother of the Year."

Now I know and my "Mama Bear" is out and working hard to help her through this.  We were reluctant, at first, to give her medication, but the therapist felt like it was worth trying.  She takes it in the morning, EVERY SINGLE MORNING.  It begins to work right away and then continues to work throughout her school day.  It starts to wear off around 5pm.  So it helps her concentrate at school, learn more and then helps her focus on homework after school.  It has made a HUGE difference in our home!  She has regained her confidence in her abilities.  Now she is excited to get home, start her homework and get it finished.  Sometimes she even finishes at school!!!!  Her latest report card showed improvements in ALL areas and her teachers have taken notice!  She is happier!  And we are approaching her in a different way.  Instead of engaging her in the middle of one of her tirades, we just walk away and let her cool off.  We give her the benefit of the doubt and ease her through tasks instead of getting annoyed or losing our cool.  We are trying to be more understanding to her needs and emotions instead of taking everything so personally.

One of the BEST things we are doing is taking a parenting class led by her therapist.  We meet every Tuesday with a group of other parents with kids who are similar to Abby.  We are learning techniques and skills that we can apply in our home (with both Abby and Iris) which have made things a lot more peaceful.  Somethings are harder than others.  But we are trying our hardest to make this work.  Abby is worth it!  Iris is worth it!  And our sanity is definitely worth it!

For a while I was losing my grip on my happy Abby.  I can't tell you how even thinking about that makes my heart break.  Abby is one of the happiest, most fun-loving, people-loving, life-loving people in the entire world.  Her very presence in our lives reminds us of LOVE on so many levels.  To see, day by day, that being stripped away and not knowing where the hand holds are to grab on and hold on is terrifying.  But we are getting her back; not just in glimpses but in huge waves!  And we are doing more as a family, we are enjoying being together again!

My hope is that eventually we will be able to get Abby off the medication and just work through our issues with the parenting techniques we have and Abby's new found confidence.  Her therapist says that there are 3 types of ADHD kids out there.  One never has to be medicated but needs some special handling.  One might have to take medication for a while but they eventually get off of it and learn how to work through their issues.  One might have to be on mediation their whole lives.  So our hope is that Abby is the second.  But if she is the third that is okay too.  I am just glad that we have some answers and we are seeing some positive results.  I am also glad that the medication has NEVER taken away her spunk or spark or personality.

Well, for those of you who thought this would be short... you don't know me very well.  I would encourage you to pray hard to know how to interact with your kids.  Don't be afraid to find answers and then work your hardest to make things better.  Invite the Spirit into your home and into your heart and then follow his promptings.  And, of course, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your kids with everything that you are!  (I know, I'm preaching to the choir).  And if you every have questions or concerns, don't brush them off, ask your child's doctor and get some help :)