***Disclaimer-- I actually wrote most of this in an email to a friend of mine. I thought it was funny enough to go on my blog. Now it is probably stupid of me to share that with you, but honesty is my middle name. Really, my name is Amy Honesty Whitlock... What? You don't believe me?***
Is it wrong to be so desperate for a massage that I want to take a dozen or so cookies to my lesbian neighbor and ask for a deal on a massage? She has an advertisement on her car that says, "Mobile Massage". Tell me that won't keep me out of the Celestial Kingdom!
Sometimes I just feel like I'm too old to be in shape. Everything takes longer and hurts more (except actually gaining weight... that doesn't seem to take long at all). I ran this morning, and I went farther than last week, but it took me longer than it did even on Monday! When will I stop this insanity and just get fat? Wait, I mean fatter?!?
Oh and don't get me started on fiber. Isn't extra fiber in one's diet supposed to actually do something for them? I've been eating a Fiber One Bar daily, and it does nothing. It's supposed to be 35% of my needed fiber. So, assuming I haven't changed anything else, more fiber should get things moving! I'm tempted to take the 10 bars I have left back to Costco and demand a no-poop refund.
So Nate was flipping through channels the other day and he passed an infomercial showing a bunch of cleavage. I said, wait go back (I'm on a quest for the perfect bra... have yet to find one... I better hurry since my ladies are not winning their fight with gravity). I was introduced to an interesting invention. It goes around your back and hooks under your bra and it is supposed to cause your "old" bra to lift and separate better. It's called the Chic Shaper. Here is their website:
http://www.chicshaper.com/Default.asp?tcode=pi8&tag=google&gclid=CLrFlIKSwZUCFQZqswodsj4hQg&bhcp=1
I told Nate I should get one but then realized it was only to give one more cleavage. Well, more cleavage isn't something I need, especially since I can't wear any shirt low enough to show more cleavage. But I hope this link will be of some benefit to someone.
Sorry, no pictures again, but I think this time you won't care as much.
January 2019
7 years ago
8 comments:
Thanks for the laugh Amy. I needed it this evening!
I'm so with you on this post, I try hard to be more fit, but my belly refuses to be flatter and my girls discovered gravity long ago.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you go for your no-poop refund :) My nurse sister-in-law says more fiber doesn't do any good unless there is more water too.
I am so right there with you Amy- I never really believed that as we got older it would be harder to be in shape. But now I'm a believer. I am tempted to post my workouts on my blog just to give me motivation to DO them and be somewhat accountable. Keep up the running girl- I will if you will!
Just a quick comment on the whole fiber thing, and I know I'm going to sound all nerdy, but oh well ;) There are different types of fiber, and your body might not react to the kind found in yummy fiber bars. Also, make sure that you're not taking in a lot of iron with the fiber, or you could be doing yourself more harm than good. Look at the foods you eat, and try to remove as many foods with additives from your diet as possible, and add as many whole-foods, not necessarily from that store-to your diet.
Okay, now that I've completely bored you, you can disregard this whole thing or not. That's just coming from my own book. Oh, and if it doesn't help, it's good to talk to a doc sometimes too.
Wow, where did that come from?
Lesbian neighbor massage + no-poop refund = Comedy Gold!
Thanks for the laugh. :)
And isn't it frustrating that when you do lose weight, the first place you lose it from is your already saggy boobs, that then become even more saggy. The stomach is always the last place you lose weight. I wish it was the other way around (don't we all). I know that's not what the scriptures are talking about when they say, "the first shall be last, and the last shall be first", but it's something to think about. As you always say, I hope that doesn't keep me out of the Celestial Kingdom:)
I want to make a witty remark, but who could top what has been said already. I love your blog.
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